Yarn & Diamond Bling

Today I did virtually nothing. :)

I did mow and walk the doglets, but for the most part I did nothing of importance.
And it was wonderful.

I've been stressing out a lot about my new job. Even though I'm capable of saying out loud that I realize  it's a brand new school, brand new program, that it's going to be a strange year, I'm not capable of actually operating in that mindset.

And so today, after a full day of leadership with a handful of my new kiddos, I did nothing. :)

For most of the day I worked on my version of an Anthropology necklace I found well over a year ago, that I've been planning for equally as long to make. While I crocheted, I finished up season 4 of Mad Men off Netflix. In the final episode Draper proposes to his secretary using the engagement ring he inherited from Anna. It was a sweet scene, but it made me pine for my own ring.

It just sits there.

I wore my engagement ring for only a couple of weeks afterward. I wore my wedding ring for months. I took it off after we spread the ashes.

I don't know what to do with it. There's no way I can part with it. "Make it into a necklace." I have a diamond necklace that I've worn every day for 12 years, and I'll probably where it every day for the next 12. If I tried to have it reset into a different ring, it would be pretty dang flashy and probably still look like an engagement ring. I really love it. It represents a wonderful time in my life, but it sits there. In it's box. Just as pretty as the day it was slipped on my finger. But nobody gets to see it.

I bought myself a very bling-y diamond band last year (because a girl shouldn't have to have a guy to be sparkly) as part of my retail therapy. (That probably could have easily been the name of my blog. I've made a lot of big purchases in the last year and a half...) But as much as I love my "new ring", the old will always be prettier.

So I wore it today.

Go ahead. Think it's awkward. Think it's strange. It's not fair that I have this awesome piece of jewelry that stays well hidden because fate has something against me. I know what you're thinking mom, but no, people would think it was weird if I wore a diamond solitaire when I'm not engaged or married, even on my right hand. But today I wore it for a few hours, just so I could remember how much it sparkles (and how heavy it is), and then I put it back in it's box for who knows how long.

Hard not to feel pretty when you got your bling on.

Pronouns

I'm rather unsure how I feel about pronouns these days.

Growing up, and still today, my mom would start telling a story with any number of involved characters and midway refer to them only using pronouns. There could be 8 women mentioned in the anecdote and suddenly everyone is "She". My mom's stories, while highly detailed and information heavy, are hard to follow when multiple people have been assigned the same pronoun. My dad would tease her, asking which "She" my mom was talking about now. For whatever reason, that actually really made a strange impact on me and has always forced me to carefully review how frequently I have used a repeated pronoun and when it's probably important to reiterate the proper name.

When Roger died I was very calculated in the continued use of the pronouns "we" and "our". I felt anything otherwise was disrespectful or hurtful. Of course, all stories I had from the past going on 5 years were about "us".

More specifically, I can point to the dozens of people that have asked me if I'm going to sell "your" house, in which I have always responded that, no, I like "our" house... and have put WAY too much effort into it at this point to abandon it now! (see pictures of my bathroom cabinets below)


I think that subconsciously, pronouns have been my way of keeping Roger involved in my present life. Recalling the past with my husband keeps him a part of the life I had but not the life I have. Don't misunderstand: he will always be a part of my life as a whole, but if it's still "our" house, "our" doglets, what "we" planned to do with the bathroom, Roger is still a semi-active character in my story.

The first time I heard the words "my house" escape from my mouth, I felt really guilty. My mind and my heart were instantly consumed with feelings of betrayal, a need to silently apologize, and the completely irrational idea that I had somehow stolen the joint ownership of our home for myself. I honestly have no idea what else that conversation held because I was so buried beneath the thoughts of absurdity that have plagued my very logical brain the last several months. It's like I'm trying to protect him from an outcome I can't change through diction.

I am settling into singular pronouns.

It's less... not painful but awkward... to declare the work I have done on "my" bathroom this weekend. The one venue I pretty instantly, without a second thought, was able to deem "my" was the yard... Hell, if I'm going to be the one mowing the dang thing then it's frickin' mine!

The other day I was talking with a friend and heard myself call it "our" house again. I hadn't done that in while. I was almost as shocked then as I was the first time it became mine. I didn't feel like it was a backwards step or anything. It was just bizarre to give reference to a time that I am really starting to accept as no longer.

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As plural pronouns become nostalgic, I'm finding ways to keep myself pretty busy this summer. I have kept up my end of the laptop bargain: the rule I made with myself was that if I bought a laptop, it's main function was to allow me to write in non-confined spaces. I actually have several different writing projects I'm hopping between this summer. We'll see which, if any, see paper.

I've obviously done a lot of crochet work while firmly planted on the couch, draped in puppies. I feel like "draped" is a pretty accurate verb choice... you should see the awkward positions they find to sit with me. Scarlet has recently discovered that she can sit on the back of couch with her head hanging over my shoulder. I always imagine that she probably looks like a parrot. I took an hour or so on Saturday to whip up this longer version of the necklace I learned to make, also with a smaller, tri-colored flower. Easy, breezy.






My big project for the weekend was the bathroom cabinets that I have wanted to reface since we stepped foot into the house. I say reface... I actually just wanted to get rid of the horrible, mid-90s honey oak, builder-basic look. I primed and painted yesterday and today. I still need to do the fronts of the doors, plus add hardware. I detest cabinets lacking hardware. It's like earrings... Are they necessary? No. Do they complete the look (even if they are the same pair you've worn for probably 10 years because you forget that the option exists to change them, and plus you don't like change that much)? Yes. 





All in a weekend's work with time for  Housewives to spare. :) 

Anniversary and Project Catch Up

Last week was our wedding anniversary. I chose not to tell anyone.

At these SOS meetings I've attended I have made lots of mental notes of things I consciously will not do because I can see as the other members talk that perhaps it's not the healthiest approach. One of the common themes that emerges from out meetings deals with approaching dates... birthdays, holidays, wedding anniversaries, etc. Especially those of us coming upon the firsts of any of those, it's pretty common to let the anxiety build, wondering what it is going to feel like when the day actually arrives. At SOS the more experienced members say that usually the anticipation is far worse that the day in question. So I decided weeks ago that I wasn't going to think about it but maybe more importantly wasn't going to mark it.

I did a pretty good job, I must say. It wasn't until I went to bed the night before that I got a little emotional. There is a really beautiful picture of us walking through the vineyard at Becker on the bedroom wall. I was looking at it, thinking about that moment in time: all the sticker burrs I got in the bottom of my dress trampling through the grass so we could get the perfect shots, how great the lighting was to give the pictures a very fairy tale-like quality. I thought about walking down the aisle with my dad and the look on Roger's face as we approached. I thought about the guitar guy serenading with Satie's Gymnopedies, the Newly-wed Game we played at the reception, and how many times I caught myself just smiling at Roger, excited that we were "official". :) All bittersweet memories now.

I went to bed with pleasant thoughts.

The next morning, our actual anniversary, I woke up fine. I taught sectionals and made it through the bulk of the day just fine. It wasn't until the final student left and I sat at my desk that a picture from my sister's wedding broke the bubble. My functionality for the day was done, so I left. A very dear friend of mine met me for frozen yogurt and let me blubber for awhile, reminding me in the process that while I can make every conscious effort not to be sad, it IS sad, and, without sounding trite, being sad is the best way to handle sadness.

That time over frozen yogurt allowed me to recognize that the date does hold importance still but was enough to let me go home and enjoy the evening with my doglets and my yarn without the emotional wreckage that might have ensued otherwise. Thank you for talking with me over yogurt and not judging my horrible choice of toppings.


PICTORIAL CATCH UP!!!!

Oh my goodness, am I behind when it comes to all of my project adventures! Over my birthday my dad and I installed a new light fixture in the kitchen! We used to have this horrible florescent light in there and after several years of verbalizing how much I hated it, I actually did something about it.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to repaint the kitchen this summer a steely blue color. I loved the green when I painted it our first summer in the house, but it doesn't flow well with the living room.

I have become a crocheting demon this summer. My wrists and joints aren't overly excited about the volume of my yarn work, but I only have a month left until Ireland and I need hats!!! The humidity over there is so high that I need something to tame the curly beast this time around.

First is the hat that I spoke of in my previous blog: 

please ignore how dorky some of my crochet poses are... It was late... like post-Craig Ferguson late... oh my gosh his voice... His jokes are actually quite stupid, but I could listen to him read the phone book with that Scottish accent... :) 

I only had to frog this one twice, but I decided that the pattern author had the brim all wrong, so I re-invented it to do what I wanted. Unfortunately, despite my satisfaction with the hat's outcome, I look really dorky in it...

I've also discovered that with my new camera I'm having problems figuring out how to focus on myself when I take a self portrait.

THEN I went back to Hobby Lobby and bought some yarn to make this cute necklace in the picture to the left. I haven't blocked and steamed it yet, so the strands will be straighter, but I think it came out really good! I got the pattern from the CREATIVEYARN blog. I also chose to do a different flower.

Finally, today after yoga and some delicious Taco Deli, I finished my second Ireland hat. I think I probably look better in this one.

I also improvised a bit on this pattern too to get the slouchiness I liked and the midget brim I added to the front to make it more newsboy-ish. :) 

This will be a good "my hair looks like crap because it's rained for the last 6 days" hat! 

And yes, that's a pillow pet... The girls like sleeping with it.